I thought that my first day of freedom from The Morning Call would be a happy one, full of giddy elation at being my own person at last. Instead I feel amazingly let down.

This morning at 9 a.m. I took my equipment back and picked up the final paperwork for the buyout.  No one is in the photo lab that early in the day so the security guard let me in and locked up my stuff in Ben Morrison's office.  As I walked out through the newsroom I looked around at all the empty desks and thought what a travesty this whole layoff is and how many good jounalists have been let go.

A friend once consoled me during one of my anti-TMC/Tribune tirades by telling me that the worst thing I could do to this newspaper was to leave and take my talent away.  That is exactly what all of us who were brave enough to take the buyout voluntarily have done.  We've taken our talents somewhere else.  And then there is the consolation that no one who ever left The Morning Call ever lamented leaving the company.  They missed the work they were doing and the spirit of being a journalist, but they never missed the company.  That's sad.

All of these thoughts descended on me when I left the building this morning and I felt let down that I had spent 23 years working for a company that cared as little for me as for the poverty stricken rabble that walks past the heavily-guarded front door every day.

Was it a total waste to stay as long as I did?  Not at all--I was fortunate enough to learn my craft from such talented photographers as Tom Volk, Chuck Zovko, Doug Benedict and Fran Kittek.  I've seen the industry change from my beginnings making black and white prints in the darkroom to being able to transmit photos and video literally from the scene of a news event.  The technology really ramped up in recent years but I relished learning all the new skills that technology demanded.  It became a race of time to see who could get their photos on the website the fastest--us or the competition.  But the accolades were rarely there, the "thank you's" and "good jobs" very few and far between.  Better to keep us guessing, I suppose.

I'm rambling, I know, but I'm just trying to sort it all out and get the emotions of leaving all under control.  Tomorrow will bring its own set of adventures as I set out to apply for the proverbial unemployment insurance. Stay tuned...